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Ptolemy XIII   |
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Ptolemy XIII |
"Perhaps more than anything
I shall miss the lovemaking - the push, the hard kiss, the panting, the bite, the growl, fingernails tearing through flesh, the panicky screams - usually mine, the hurried thrust, the pinch of acacia when it's all over. Yes, upon reflection I'm sure that lovemaking is what I shall miss the most. Such is my sacrifice for Egypt. "But it is expected of me. Those of us who serve Ptah know the disdain He feels for mere rote oblations, and so I surrender my maleness without protest or regret. I embrace my feminine side with stoicism, determination, and a fair amount of inbred charm. Ptah's will be done. "Nonetheless, it is difficult. Even at a tender age I was referred to as the Bull of Alexandria. My many exploits with the oppposite sex fueled conversations in court circles and marketplace alike. My member is - sadly now, was - absolutely awe inspiring. The Greek sculptor Lexis once said it belonged on a Jovian statue he was fashioning for Pompey's wife. This sort of thing was not uncommon. But pleased though I was by the man's remark, and not a little flattered, I gently cautioned him against hubris; and then later, rethinking the matter, had him dragged from his bed and beaten, for presumptuousness' sake. Respect for gods, even false ones, must be shown always, lest we incur heaven's wrath!"  "Wicked, wicked Rome. Rome, that fecund vine and mobile whore, that web of barbarism whose sole contribution to civilization has been the aquaduct, a useless piece of folly in this land of seasonal floods and shifting sands; Rome, injudicious Rome; rank and salacious Rome; inexhaustible Rome. Rome, you are the bane of my heaven, and the hell on my earth. Let future historians mark these words: I swear by Every God I Know that I will destroy this stinking bog of Remus. "Frankly, I'm surprised the empire has lasted this long. Its citizens create nothing of value, they steal (or adapt, to hear them tell it) from subject peoples literally everything that constitutes culture: art, architecture, religion, law, philosophy; the creatures even look to us for the food they eat, a dependency I plan to quell, given the opportunity. I suppose they can't help themselves. According to Herodotus, Latins are intrinsic scavengers. Dinarchus calls them tireless buzzards. I personally see them as flies feasting on the carrion of mankind. Can we, all three, be wrong?" "It has been twenty-eight days since my surgical procedure. I have been a woman now for the exact duration of a menstrual cycle. With frightened smiles the physicians tell me I will be spared this bloody visitation. I will also not get beard, grow breasts, or give birth. This last may prove an obstacle to my particular world vision but I am nothing if not resourceful. When the time comes for Cleopatra to drop child Cleopatra will drop child and that will be the end of it." "Still Caesar conducts the business of Rome from our harbour. Word has reached him of Ptolemy's suspicious death; and the sly general refuses to grant me, Queen Cleopatra, an audience until the matter is investigated. It is just as well. Despite frequent doses of poppied wine, there remains a soreness to my nether regions, and poor Woofie can hardly walk at all. Immersed in our pain, we share cold comfort in this drafty east-wing bedchamber. I lie on swans down mattresses, Woofie takes the floor. Yesterday I offered my friend a horsehair blanket to fight the morning chill but she waved it away and said no, her misery was complete. Ungrateful servants are the cruelest, I've always felt." |
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